Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
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*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.