the prophecy has been fulfilled
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“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
The glockness monster
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
He took my last fry, your honor