*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
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Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭