I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
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“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task