6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
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My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this