Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
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I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
*mops up wine with cat*
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”