Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
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“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.