What fresh Hell is this?!?
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Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Me if I was a dog
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.