How about I get 100% off by already being there
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if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
God has left this place
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women