Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
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date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.