Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
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*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
This anagram machine is out of order.
had to share :’)
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all