My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
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Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Flowers bee like
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
No, he would not have.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods