A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
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How and why my FUR ROOM exists
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Spotted in New Orleans.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef