I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
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🙂🙃🥹
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.