wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
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I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.