Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Why is this me 😫
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.