This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
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Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Thursday
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.