“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
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*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit