if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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They say women only use 10% of their anger
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Greeting humans vs their dogs
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-