*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
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My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw