I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
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Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle