Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
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If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.