Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.