Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
You Might Also Like
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
time for some seasonal decor
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also: