I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
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Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.