Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
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just make the entire table out of coaster
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
? 💀
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.