I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
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getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
When can I start eating bats again.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”