They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
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*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.