#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
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it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.