*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
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[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
sry
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.