The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
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My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I am never leaving this website
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.