wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
You Might Also Like
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?