Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
You Might Also Like
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Scream sneezers need love too.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.