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Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.