robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
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I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth