so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
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I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
two people or more is called a problem
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head