Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
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I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
That took me a moment.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.