We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
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They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
People buying plungers never look happy.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.