“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
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[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.