You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
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Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.