*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
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Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
next level snooze
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.