It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
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Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Birds & Planes.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
don’t we all
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns