I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
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I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.