Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
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*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I see your IQ test came back negative
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.