[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
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“I will cook for you.” I threatened
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?