My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
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There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
lmao
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs