All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
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I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
S O O N
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right