My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
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“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?