We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
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My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Stick it to the man
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
sistine chapel
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before