Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
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Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.